Pregnancy
It was time to go to my 20 week routine ultrasound, I was going by myself since my husband was on deployment. All we could think about was finding out if it was a boy or girl. I already had a feeling... it was a boy. The ultrasound seemed to go ok, this was our first baby so I didn't really even know what to expect. I was so eager to find out the sex, and then she told me... it was a boy! I was so excited. Then she left to talk to the doctor, still I had no idea anything was wrong. Time passed, and it seemed like it was taking forever for the doctor to come in, then he finally did. I wont ever forget what he said next, he told me he was sorry, and that he wish he had good news for me, but he didn't. He told me there was a cyst in the lower part of my baby's brain and it was causing his brain not to connect. It was called Dandy Walker. He did not know too much on the condition, and thats why it took him so long to come in, he was looking it up in books. He immediately got in touch with an OBGYN and made an appointment for later that day so I could go talk with her. In the mean time I went home and called my husband. I hated telling him this, especially when he was so far away,but I did. He was as heartbroken as me. We were so powerless, there was nothing we could do. I told him we were having a boy, and he was happy to know that, it confirmed what we already knew. When we got off the phone he talked to his Chief, his office then made arrangements for him to come home. I was so happy that he was going to be able to come home to me, he would be home later that night. He went to talk to the Chaplain on his ship, he had never talked to him before, but he needed to talk to someone. The Chaplain comforted him, and was there for him. Then the Chaplain called his wife, and she said she would go to my amnio with me. We met at the doctor's office, I was scared out of my mind and so nervous, nothing could change that, but it was nice to have her there. The doctor did the amnio, and said the results would be ready in two weeks, but there would be preliminary results in one week. All we could do was wait. She didn't expect anything to be wrong, but just wanted to be sure. I knew we could handle anything, as long as our baby was going to live. Thats all we wanted... for our baby to survive. A week passed and she called with the results, Landon had Trisomy 13, a condition that is not compatible with life... my baby was going to die. Up until that point, that was the worst day of my life. She informed me that I could go into labor at any time, or the baby could pass away inside me. We did not terminate because thats something neither one of us believes in, we think its wrong, and we would never ever do that. Its our job as parents to protect our children, not to kill them. I was already in love with my baby, and I could not wait to meet him. The pregnancy went on with no complications, he was getting stronger each day. At every doctor's appointment his heartbeat was strong. At my 37 week appointment my doctor told me that I was 1.5 cm dilated and 50% effaced, the baby would be coming soon.
Landon's Birth
And he did, just a few days later my water broke. It was 7:30 at night. We live right next to the hospital, so we walked there. The doctor on duty examined me, he could not tell if my water broke or not, he said he was going to monitor me to see if I was having contractions, and he might send me home. I was not to thrilled with the idea of going home, I knew my water broke... I was there!!! But, it showed I was having contractions and they were close enough to have me stay. They took me to a delivery room and gave me some pain medications, then I took a short nap. I was going to try and deliver him with no epidural but by 7 cm I knew that was not going to be an option, I asked for an epidural. By time they were done, I was at 10 cm and ready to push. Luckily, my doctor made it there just in time... an hour later, at 3:48 A.M our beautiful baby was born. He weighed 7 lbs 7 oz and was 20" long. He was perfect, to us anyways... from a medical perspective, he had some problems. He was very blue and his lungs had fluid in them, also he was having trouble maintaining his body heat, his temperature was dropping. They let us hold him for awhile, and then we gave him a bath. Afterwards we held him and just loved him. We were not sure how long we would have with him. They took us to the recovery room and things were going great for awhile. Until his first breathing episode, he just stopped breathing. We gave him oxygen and then he started breathing again. We had though that was it, we thought that was all the time we were going to have with him, only hours. They told us this was probably going to be how he passed, he was just going to stop breathing. He had one more breathing episode at the hospital. They released us 2 days after he was born. We got to take our baby home, that was something we were not sure we were ever going to have the chance to do. We were so excited! Since he was born with Full Trisomy 13, he had a lot of the characteristics associated with the condition. We'll tell you about them from head to toe... Some of the skin on his head was missing, but it healed, there is only a scar there now. He has a cyst in the lower part of his brain, causing it not to connect. One ear is missing, and the other did not form, so he is deaf. He could open one of his eyes, but it appeared that he could not see out of it, except he could sense light. Now, the other eye... When he was born we were told there was no eye in the socket, but when he was 6 weeks old he opened it. It was a "mini" eye and so tiny!! There was no pupil in it, only an iris. It was bright blue. He only kept it open for an hour or so. Then the day before he passed he opened it one more time. It was amazing. His nose is flat, and his breathing is labored because the nasal passages are not as wide as they should be. He has a cleft palate, and the skin under his tongue is attached to the tip. He has an extra pinky on each hand, it looks like a tear drop, and there is no bone in there. They were taken off so Landon did not pull on them and hurt himself. He has spina bifida. And finally, he has an extra toe on each foot. It looks just the same as the others, you can't tell which one is the extra because it has the bone. His little feet are our favorite, they are adorable!
Landon's LifeLandon was such a happy baby and so sweet. He loved to be held and was such a good cuddler. He would snuggle up on our chests and tuck his legs in under his body, that was his favorite position. He was so calm, the only times he would cry is when he was hungry or having belly cramps. His belly cramped everyday, and many times through out the day. Everything he did was adorable, maybe we think that because we are his parent... but it really was... One of our favorite memories is how he would pucker up his lips when we would kiss them, its like he was kissing us back. His daddy will never forget the day he came home and gave Landon a kiss, Landon lifted his head and turned towards him, like he was looking for him (even though we knew he couldn't see). We have so many happy memories, but of course there are memories that are not so great. At times Landon would stop breathing for a few seconds, then start up again. And sometimes, it would appear that he was breathing, but if we payed really close attention, we found out he actually was not breathing at all. But he would always start breathing again on his own. He was a very strong baby, and such a fighter! His first 6 weeks, there were not any problems. We started to become confident that he was going to be with us for awhile. But, at that 6 week point we got a reality check... his first breathing episode since the hospital. This time there was no oxygen available, and I was home alone. I started giving him mouth to mouth, after what seemed like forever he started again. As the next couple weeks went on he started having them more often, and we knew his time here with us was running out. Sometimes he would throw up and then stop breathing, so we had to use an aspirator, that became our best friend. We lost count of how many times he would stop breathing. It happened 2 times when we were out in public, and an ambulance came both times and took him to the ER. We decided it would be better if we kept him home from then on. We thought it was less traumatic for him when we gave him mouth to mouth at home, versus everything that came along with a hospital visit. It was August 7th when Landon returned to heaven, and on his blog I wrote about that day, here is what I wrote...
Today at 4:00 am Landon became an angel... We have known that our time with him would be limited, but nothing could prepare us for how much our hearts would be aching. We have chosen to be happy, and celebrate Landon's life. We were so lucky to have Landon as our son, he was so amazing, and brought us so much happiness and love. He taught us the true meaning of unconditional love. He made us a family. He will always always always be in our hearts!! There will not be a single day that goes by that we won't remember our son and think about him and how much he fought to stay with us for 58 days!! He was so strong, but his little body just could not take anymore. Yesterday morning is when we knew his time was coming soon. He stopped breathing so much, and we kept giving him mouth to mouth. As the day went on, it seemed like he was starting to be in pain before each episode. He would tense up, his whole body would not move, and he would scream... not cry, but scream. He looked scared. After his episode was over he had a lifeless look in his eye, he was not himself. We gave him a bath, and cried through the whole thing, we knew that it was probably the last bath we would ever give him. We had to make a decision, what to do? We have always said as long and he was fighting, we would fight with him. But we did not want to be selfish and keep bringing him back, just to cause him the same pain all over again. We decided it was time to let him go. And we did. It was so incredibly hard to just sit there and hold our baby knowing that he was dying. We told him over and over how much we love him, and how strong he has been. We told him how special he is, and how we will never forget him. He is the best thing to ever happen to us. After 1/2 hour his heart stopped beating (3:59 am). And we just cried, that's all we could do, cry and hold our baby. We took some pictures, 78 to be exact, then we got ready to go. We dressed him, and wrapped him in a warm blanket, he was so cold. We brought a teddy bear with him so he wasn't alone. We walked to the hospital. When we got there we went into the trauma room, the nurse came in with the doctor, we talked to them briefly. Shortly after the chaplain came in and prayed with us, he held our hands and placed them on Landon. After that we were left to spend alone time with Landon, we talked to him the whole time. We told him thank you for being our baby, that he was the best baby we could ever have, and that he was wonderful. We kissed him all the way from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. Then it was time to go. There are absolutely no words to describe what we had to do next. We had to lay our baby on the bed, turn around and leave. We broke down. We kissed him, told him we love him, and we told him how much we are going to miss him. We told him he is absolutely perfect. Then we left. We miss him, we miss him so much. We will never get over this, but we are working together to get through this. That's why we have chosen to be happy. Landon made us happy, just thinking of him makes us smile. We will remember him always as our perfect, beautiful baby boy.
The Funeral
On August 23rd we laid our beautiful son to rest. The service was done by a wonderful pastor. He spoke of Landon with such love, and compassion. His words were positive and comforting. He talked about Landon being in heaven, and about his new body. When the service was over, Landon's Uncle Tyler and Uncle James carried him out for the final prayer. After the pastor was done speaking, they lowered his casket into the ground. Then 13 roses were thrown into his grave. I had two, Daddy had one, and the rest were from Landon's family. Then it was over, our baby could now rest in peace. This is a day we will never forget. We never thought at the age of 24 we would have a baby, then have to burry him. At times it does not seem fair, we love him so much, and would have done anything to keep him with us. But there was nothing we could do, his condition was predetermined. As much as we think it is not fair for us, it was even more unfair for Landon. He was so innocent, he fought with everything he had, and yet it was not enough. His fate was decided for him, he had no chance. Even with everything that has happened, we know we were blessed to have him in our lives. We were given a miracle. Landon made us a family, and even though physically he is not with us, he will always be our baby... our angel. And his home will always be with us. We are greatful for everyday we had Landon. He will forever be in our hearts.